Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
