____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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