so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
