either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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