I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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