I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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