I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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