Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
