i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
