You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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