Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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