I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
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