All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
