DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
