the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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