Well apparently he's into motor boating.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
