That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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