Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize