TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
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