You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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