She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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