i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
