I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
