Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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