Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
