when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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