I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize