glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize