On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
