I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
