you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
