my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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