I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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