Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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