I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
