The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
