Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Randomize
