Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
