So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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