I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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