Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
