I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I could have mohawked her pubes.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's blow job season.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
