Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
