Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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