gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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