Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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