I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
