I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He passed out mid-signature
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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