Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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