you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
