News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
