My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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