Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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