What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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