Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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