I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
