A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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