wakey wakey hands off snakey
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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