Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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