You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Randomize
